Thank you for your many letters demanding our attempts to deport illegal immigrants with criminal records out of the USA.
President Trump takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in our nation's capitol. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of Homeland Security, to be called “Liberals Accept Responsibility for Illegal-Violent Criminals”.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several such violent, illegal immigrants and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence on Monday.
Jorge Gonzales y Ramos is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Jorge are commensurate with your recommendations.
Since this immigrant refused to learn English you will be required to hire (At your own cost) a translator.
You take good care of Jorge and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to the culture of our nation,
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.