A Letter To The Times [Of London, UK]

FOLLOWING A GRAND TRADITION OF MY BRITISH COUSINS, I HAVE SENT THE LETTER BELOW TO THE TIMES !


2321 South 82 Street 18 August 2006
West Allis, Wisconsin
USA 53219-1735
(414) 545-1884
jamespawlak1@yahoo.com

TO THE EDITORS, THE TIMES:

Although the proposal following my letter is fictional, perhaps it could be used to dispose of those terrorist prisoners now held at Guantanamo Bay and other places. However, I suggest that we give first priority to those in European countries (Especially France) who have been so very, very, critical of our treatment of such prisoners. I specially request that you BOTH endorse this program AND rush to volunteer to be a part of it.

Since the UK already has so many Muslim "true believers", a few more would not make much of a difference in the social quality of Londonstan. You may have to teach them to play cricket so as to blend in better with your home grown terrorists with whom they can exchange technical expertness for information on
targets-of-opportunity.

Please advise both President George W. Bush and me of your willingness to LARK about.

Respectfully yours,
James Pawlak

Subject: LARK

A lady "peace activist" and ACLU member wrote many letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo
Bay. She received the following reply:

The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to Place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to
your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing
these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at
your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code
that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.

Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for yo ur letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially, your friend,

Don Rumsfeld