The Zen Of Sarcasm

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> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
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> 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.
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> 3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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> 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
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> 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
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> 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
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> 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
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> 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
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> 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
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> 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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> 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.
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> 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
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> 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
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> 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
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> 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
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> 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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> 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
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> 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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> 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
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> 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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> 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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> 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.